May 18, 2008

Wang

NOTA: En este post se hace uso extensivo de un dialecto similar al inglés pero pésimamente mal redactado.

Hace poco más de un año mientras revisaba mi correo me llevé una enorme sorpresa al enterarme que un chino aparentemente murió por alguna razón y yo sería el único heredero de su fortuna (muchos pedazos fueron editados con el fin de no aburrir al lector):
Dearest one,

Let me start by introducing myself, I am Mrs.Wan Yonghong the general chief auditor in STANDARD CHARTERED BANK Hong Kong branch [...] I am in procession of sum of 21.35 million United States Dollars in my care unclaimed by our late client who died in 2003 without writing any beneficiary [...]

In this light of the above,the funds can be share within us confidentially. [...]

[...] If you find yourself able to work with me, contact me through this email for more details :wanyonghong______@yahoo.com.hk .

Regards,

Wan.
23/10/2007.
Como este tipo de oportunidades sólo se dan una vez en la vida decidí escribirle inmediatamente:
Hello mister Wang Young, I am very interested in your proposal. I have always wanted to be rich. It will help mother with cancer. What do I do to get money?

Thanks,
Mr. Lancelot The Third Of New Spain
Después de este correo recibí una respuesta larguísima y aburridísima, por lo que corté la mayoría del siguiente correo:
Dear Mr. Lancelot,

Thank you for giving me your time and . Please be patient and read my email to you. [...]

My proposal;

I am prepared to place you in a position to instruct the finance firm to release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation. [...]

This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. Do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord, we should plan a meeting,soon .

I await your response and have a nice day.

Sincerely,

Wan Yonghong.
Pero como estuvo tan aburrido el correo decidí escribirle que mejor me mandara un resumen ejecutivo (voy a ser rico, no tengo tiempo para leer tanto). Después de intercambiar unos cuantos correos me dijo que me pusiera en contacto con su abogado para poder cerrar el trato. Y si algo he aprendido en la tele es que no se puede confiar en los abogados:
My most dearestest Mrs. Wang,

I am really ecstatic, I am willing to follow you to the grave if it is necessary. I only have one small doubt before I make this pledge of allegiance to your noble cause (making me rich), I am not sure if I should trust the lawyer, you know how they make all this movies about lawyers which steal money? I don't want my money stolen. I don't trust lawyers, remember the movie with Keanu Reves? The one where he is a lawyer and has sex with his sister? I really liked his sister in that movie, and also the guy who played the devil, but I'm getting off target, the point is it was a very good movie and he was a bad lawyer who always lied.

Now that I think of it there is a joke about the lawyers and how they all are in hell and so God is saying something about a lawyer, but he was in hell!!! Get it? I think it is really funny.

Well, back to the point I really want to be rich and I am willing to do anything you ask me (and I mean *anything*, unless that something has anything to do with dogs because I'm allergic).

Greetings my best of friends,
Dr. Lancelot (I have just received my Ph. D.) Lambda Cum Lae
Aparentemente ignoró por completo mis dudas
Dear Partner,

Thank you once again for your genuine interest in this transaction. I am very glad to note that you are a noble, matured, and trustworthy person whom I can rely on for your capabilities to handle this transaction [...]

Before I commence, I will need you to fill the beneficiary release requirements:
[...]

Ensure that you keep this project confidential, do not discuss it with anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.

Please reply soonest and have a nice day.

Regards,

Wan(Mrs).
Viendo que las cosas ya estaban a punto de completarse y que pronto podría estar desayunando en mi yate en el pacífico contesté velozmente:
Hello Mrs. Wang Bang Here is my information:

1.Name in full--------- Lancelot Vance
2.Address-------------- Camelot, England
3. Age------------------- 57
4.Occupation--------- Knight of the Round Table
5.Phone/Fax---------- (578) 456 127-3897
6.Next of kin---------- Guinevere Mengsk
7.Send me a copy of any form your identification (International passport or Dirver's Linense) via Fax 852-301-42026 Code:+852 or E-mail attachment.

Since I am sending you my full information I will be waiting anxiously for your answer as well as your photograph and information. Since you are japanese I would expect your photograph to be one of those extreme angled shots where the girl is in a school uniform and you can see her panties. I only hope I don't see your Wang (get it?? It's your name!!! Ha ha ha ha ha)

Yours Truly,
Lance Vance
Y mi identificación:


Después de mandarle mis datos me envió los suyos, la información del banco y me dijo que con este intercambio ahora tendríamos que pensar en el otro como si fuera nuestro mismo hermano, porque así de importante es el negocio este. En seguida intenté comunicarme con el banco pero cuál sería mi sorpresa al no poder crear la cuenta como me había solicitado:
Good morning partner,

As you may know, here in Camelot it is customary to sacrifice one sheep for every new family member, so I was thinking it might be a bit too complicated to become brother and sister because that way I would have to kill one sheep for you and one for every one of your children (how many children do you have?). Don't you have any better ideas as to how we may change the brother and sister thing to make it easier for me? Perhaps we could marry and then it would not be so problematic.

As for the bank I tried to contact them by e-mail but I didn't receive a response and even worse, when I searched for the bank I couldn't find it anywhere. Since we are pretty close I belive I can tell you my greatest secret. I am really a talking chicken which was cursed with a disappearing spell when I was young. This means that everything I search for disappears (I hate it when it happens to the car keys!). I am pretty sure I have made the whole bank disappear with this curse and I am very worried. You have to promise me you won't tell the police!!

Greetings,
Chicken Boo a.k.a. Lance Vance
Después de eso tardó varias semanas en contestar y cuando creí que ya todo estaba perdido recibí una respuesta en la que me solicitaban abrir una cuenta en otro banco, pero para entonces ya era demasiado tarde: yo había perdido todo interés.
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