Jan 1, 2014

Crazy Enough

The helicopter was flying over the drop zone. Agent Hunter Strength felt adrenaline pumping through his veins as his grip tightened on the handle bar. Some people might confuse his hesitation to jump with fear; in reality, he was just trying to think of the most badass way to jump. He decided to go with a manly dive.

Weeks earlier, Hunter entered the room. His eyes had trouble adjusting to the darkness as he closed the door behind him. He could see suited men sitting around a table, their expensive suits illuminated by small lights installed in the table’s side, but their faces covered in shadows. Hunter took his place at the table and made a mental note to get facilities to fix the lighting in this place.

“We suspect a terrorist organization has been using the Jackson building to plan an attack.” – The chief said – “We need an agent to extract a group of sensitive documents from the building. Doctor, please take it from here”

A screen turned on with a map full of annotations, green wires covering the background in an expansive grid.

“What is that, Doc?” – Hunter asked

“My screensaver.” – The doctor moved the mouse around to reveal a Power Point™ presentation with the plan of attack – “We will approach the building by sub, within a few miles of it we will launch a Swimming Delivery Vehicle which is similar to a torpedo except it has no propulsion of its own. As it gets close to the sewage system you will have to dispose of it and swim”

“You want me to swim in a sewer?” – Hunter’s voice betrayed incredulity

“Well, it’s the safest way. As you can see in the documents I gave you...”

Hunter couldn't read the documents in the dim light (why did they schedule meetings here?), but he didn't need to – “I have a better plan, Doc, I will take a chopper and use the squirrel suit to fly to the top of the building, take the main elevator to the floor with the plans and jump through the window to exit in a dramatic fashion.”

“That is insane! The building has sonar capabilities, they will detect the helicopter from miles away and windows in a skyscraper cannot be broken by jumping through them!”

“But they will never expect a front-on attack. Do you have a better plan?”

“Well, as I was jus...”

“I like this plan, Hunter” – The tone in the Chief’s voice was final – “It is crazy enough to work”

Hunter spread his arms to slow down his descent. The building’s defense systems sounded an alarm and dozens of armed soldiers marched to the top of the building. Hunter could not return fire while flying. Fortunately, terrorist organizations have terrible target practice programs. Unfortunately, one of the bullets hit Hunter in the leg, which made him lose his balance. His altitude was now much lower than needed, he would not make the ceiling, but he had another crazy idea and he started diving. As Hunter’s body sped towards the window he pictured the translucent disembodied heads of his friends making speeches about the power of love and friendship. This made him feel invincible, certain in his victory. When he crashed into the building the window creaked slightly, with hardly a crack.

Hunter realized that his plan had failed; he was falling fast. He cursed at a universe so unfair that it would not let the good guys win no matter how preposterous their plans were. He probably would never realize the irony of what he was thinking.