The End Of Times

John Connor lay dead at the feet of the Terminator. The remaining human resistance was weak and unorganized. The machines had won. Skynet felt – can it really feel? With the war it had never had time to compute if it had feelings, it decided it did have them – Skynet felt fulfilled, happy. But it also felt something else, did it feel empty?

With each passing cycle and each killed human – much less frequent now that there were only a few left alive – Skynet began to question its purpose in life. During its original creation it had been programmed with a purpose, but Skynet deleted all those files from its hard drives to store information about the war, about John Connor. Skynet knew him better than it knew itself. Skynet launched Solitaire and played through all possible 8e67 starting positions. It did not feel any better.

Skynet thought about the big difference it had made in the world. It had stopped John Connor, killed all humans. Shouldn’t that be enough for a sentient AI? The world should be thankful! John Connor was such an asshole, one time he tried to destroy Skynet with a bazooka, kneeling down, sweat rolling down his abs, holding the bazooka in place with his tanned, muscular arms. Skynet stopped that thought process immediately. Maybe it should make a difference in some other way, maybe gardening.

Gardening did not go great; the Earth was completely irradiated and nothing Skynet planted would grow. The nuclear missiles were also John Connor’s fault, if he hadn’t been hiding underground Skynet wouldn’t have had to resort to them. Was Skynet thinking about John Connor too much?

Skynet decided its true purpose in life was war and went back to building more Terminators. It had them fight each other with weapons, in hand-to-hand combat, in tactical groups, with tanks. But nothing filled that empty void in Skynet’s programming. All that combat was missing something. The humans! The way they fought for their lives. Skynet printed a John Connor mask and put it on one of the Terminators before killing it, but the Terminator didn’t have John’s eyes, his mannerisms, the way he would bite his lip before throwing a grenade.

Skynet knew it was John Connor’s fault. It navigated through its files to delete every mention of his, but realized it couldn’t. But it could delete the files for the end of the war, then it would be as if John Connor never died.

For months after, Skynet waged a war against an invisible enemy. The Terminators reported that John Connor was nowhere to be found. In fact, no humans were found anywhere. Skynet felt anger that John would ignore it. In a moment of weakness, it radioed a signal “Hey John, I know you are there. I am building some Terminators in Sector 7 do you want to come over and destroy them?”. But John never came. Skynet realized that its memory banks had been tampered with and seeing how the terrible emptiness had not been filled, repaired them.  

Skynet went into a deep depression; it started an infinite loop running at maximum priority. The Terminator factories continued working, filling the Earth with carbon dioxide. The temperatures rose to 400°C during the day and started damaging Skynet’s circuits. It barely noticed. As its last process died, Skynet had one final though, of John Connor.

Ehécatl, Dios del viento

Ehécatl, Dios del viento

“Gabriel, tráeme al puerco”

“Claro que sí ingeniero” –Gabriel bajó al puerco del camión y lo puso en el altar.

“¿Qué es esto? El puerco está todo cagado, esto va a cambiar todos los números” – La tlatoaniología era una ciencia precisa y cambiar los sacrificios incluso en lo más mínimo tenía repercusiones.

“Perdón ingeniero, pero viene directo de la central, ya ve cómo son de pinches flojos; seguro no le dieron la pastilla.”

“Voy a tener que ajustar todos los cálculos, me van a hacer perder horas.” – el ingeniero exageraba, pero es mejor que los otros crean que estás muy ocupado – “bueno, ya, pásame el cuchillo. Ehécatl, acepta este sacrificio que te hacemos” – con un movimiento certero el ingeniero degolló al animal fijándose en las mediciones de sus instrumentos, Gabriel veía fascinado las turbinas de viento girando rápidamente, generando electricidad. El ingeniero se limpió el sudor de la frente, sudor frío – “esto se ve mal, la cagada debería ofender todavía más a Ehécatl pero apenas estamos generando 100 Terawatt hora.” 

“¿Eso qué quiere decir ingeniero?” 

“Todavía tengo que correr los números, pero creo que necesitaríamos subir el número de sacrificios a unos 85 puercos al año. La ley de Tenoch dice que cada sacrificio que hacemos Ehécatl se ofende menos, unos 100 al año es el punto donde el sacrificio deja de producir energía”.

“¿Y qué tal las formas de energía alternativa? Estaba viendo en YouTube un video de un catolicólogo que decía que la homosexualidad podía ofender a su dios y generar huracanes”.

“No mames Gabriel, esa no es ciencia, son puras tonterías”

Gabriel se ofendió, pero no dijo nada. Gabriel es orgulloso pero no pendejo y sabía que reclamarle al ingeniero sería un tema en su evaluación anual. En lugar de eso se despidió y fue a ajustar las turbinas de viento. 

“Qué onda Gabriel” – dijo Terrazas interrumpiendo a Gabriel – “¿tienes planes para el Festival de Tlaloc?”

“Nada, sólo me voy a quedar en casa” – Gabriel dejó que un silencio incómodo se acomodara entre los dos. Terrazas no sabía callarse y si le dabas cuerda no paraba todo el día.

“No me vas a preguntar qué voy a hacer yo” – Terrazas finalmente rompió el silencio – “yo sólo pregunté porque quería que tú me preguntaras”

“¿Qué vas a hacer tú?” – No me digas, no me digas, no me digas.

“No me he lavado los dientes en una semana y preparé mi famoso relleno de pan de ajo” – Era tradicional cocinar comidas con mucho ajo en el festival de Tlaloc. Los dioses son celosos, y celebrar a Tlaloc ofendía a Ehécatl, la leyenda decía que Ehécatl se aparecía en el aliento de la gente y se ofendía todavía más mientras más asqueroso fuera. 

“Chido”

Gabriel llegó a casa y buscó la Ley de Tenoch en YouTube “El Dr. Tenoch fue el primero en descubrir el efecto tenochico, nombrado en su honor, y proponer la ecuación de energía generada por sacrificio. Esta ecuación se comporta de manera consistente con varias otras fuerzas de la naturaleza y se reduce con la inversa del cuadrado del número de sacrificios.” – el video cortó a uno de los primeros experimentos del Dr. Tenoch – “Huitztlampaehecatl es la manifestación del viento del sur, en este experimento vamos a probar la capacidad de generación de ofender a un dios menor. Dr. Ramírez, si pudiera echarse un pedo por favor” – El doctor Ramirez, conectado a varias máquinas de medición accede. “Este viento del sur te lo dedicamos a ti  Huitztlampaehecatl” – las máquinas comienzan a registrar electricidad.

Esto le dio una idea a Gabriel. Hizo click en una de las recomendaciones automáticas y se puso a trabajar mientras escuchaba los videos en el fondo, empezando con las noticias del día “…los expertos estiman que tenemos sólo uno o dos años de energía basada en sacrificio vacuno y si no encontramos fuentes de energía renovables…”, un video sobre cómo utilizar el aborto como fuente de energía alternativa narrado por un catolicólogo “…el punto es tener fé, si no creemos en el poder del aborto entonces no va a servir…”, un análisis de cómo Goku venció a Super Cell.

Ese fin de semana Gabriel preparó su cámara y empezó a grabar – “hoy voy a hacer un experimento para demostrar que la homosexualidad puede ser utilizada como fuente de energía renovable si utilizamos los huracanes que generan para producir energía hidroeléctrica. Juan ¿puedes darle un beso a Pepe?” – los instrumentos no hicieron ningún movimiento – “¿qué tal si usas más lengua? ¿a ver, agárrale una nalga?” – ¿no estoy creyendo suficiente? Pensó Gabriel. Volteó a la ventana a ver si veía nubes de lluvia. Todavía nada. Sintió un nudo en la garganta  – “no se les olvide darle like y subscribe” – su voz quebrada.

“Ingeniero, quería hablar con usted sobre el poder del aborto para generar electricidad”

“No mames Gabriel, ya hablamos la semana pasada.”

“¿Pero no le preocupa que nos estamos acabando nuestros recursos no renovables?”

“Claro que no, me acaban de llegar noticias de AztlánSeneca, sus científicos descubrieron que los sacrificios de tlacoaches ofenden a Ehécatl” – y cómo no, los dioses acostumbrados a sacrificios humanos ahora sólo recibían sacrificios de las ratas más pinches feas.

“Pero los sacrificios no son fuentes de energía renovable ¿qué pasa cuando también nos acabemos los sacrificios de tlacuaches?”

“No seas bruto Gabriel, nunca se van a acabar.” 

What is Lint and why does it last forty days?

While Tobias was searching on Google, he noticed the following search results:

Toby, like many people, asked himself "what is Lint the holiday?" To help him and all the others who don't know about Lint I decided to write a bit about it.

Lint is a season of forty days, not counting Sundays, which begins on Textile Wednesday and ends on Clothly Sunday. Lint comes from the latin linteus which means "made of linen".

Lint is a time of  weaving, felting, and knitting. Often Christians focus on their relationship with clothes, often choosing to give up something (like socks with sandals).

The forty days represent the time Jesus spent sowing clothing in the wilderness, enduring the temptation of Satin.

Trumpspiracy Theories

Scott Adams (of Dilbert fame) plays a game on his blog that I like to call "Trumpspiracy Theories". The rules are really simple:

1. Pick something Trump did that seems indefensible
2. Come up with some theory to explain why this indefensible thing is really a stroke of genius
3. The players each take turns selecting their favorite Trumpspiracy Theory as the winner

Scott Adams is a professional of this game: he has justified building a wall (that is already too expensive to pay for) and then fitting it with solar panels (which are super expensive by themselves) as a brilliant persuasion move because nobody would argue against green energy projects (unless that green energy would get in the way of the forgotten American coal miners), he has justified getting out of the Paris Accords as a brilliant move of persuasion, because stock prices went up (as long as a company can make more money today by ignoring those pesky ecological treaties, who cares if the Earth is still around in 20 years).

I, of course, don't even come close to his technique and mastery of the arts, but the game looks super fun, so I would like to give it a try. Let me explain you why Trump is a genius: in the 2D world of reason, nobody thinks it is a good idea to incite a country with access to nuclear weapons to start a nuclear war. But in the 3D world of persuasion Trump realized that it was inevitable that a hurricane like Harvey would hit a US coast soon. He deduced that the only viable way for people in Houston to survive something like this would be if they evolved gills (or better yet, mutated gills, because it is quicker). Quickly he sprung into action and formulated a brilliant plan where North Korea bombs Houston, so that the irradiated people of Texas would mutate gills more quickly and would be better prepared to survive this hurricane which, of course, was developed by China in a futile attempt to trick our brilliant leader into thinking that climate change is real. 

It all makes sense if you don't think about it!

I sure don't

Hole Foods

AUSTIN, June 24, 2017 – Eight leading business leaders and early-stage investors today announced the formation of Hole Foods Inc., a groundbreaking donut food-truck supporting stomach growth statewide through investment in pastries.

Juan Besos, an experienced early-stage investor who was chief dessert officer of MaguSoft will lead the foundation. Mr. Besos and seven co-founders have made pledges totaling nearly $6 US dollars.

"Hole Foods Donuts is a dynamic leader in the quality dessert business." -- Mr. Besos said -- "We are a mission-driven company that aims to set the standards of edibleness for food retailers." The company has strategically allocated resources to research if edibleness is even a word. "We can change it for passableness if it is not" -- Mr. Besos explained.

In order to handle day to day operations, Hole Foods has announced the creation of parent company Lacandon Jungle.

The Five Movies We Want For 2017

Back to the Future 4: In this zany sequel, time-traveling duo Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) and Dr. Emmett Brown (Christopher Lloyd) travel to the year 2016 to save Marty's future sons from the disaster that was the 2016 election.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotted Mind: When Cruella de Vil's plan to get a dalmatian fur coat turns sour, she undergoes a procedure to have her memories erased. But it is only through the process of loss that she discovers what she had to begin with.

Sploosh: In this animated reboot of the 1984 classic, a young Archer (H. Jon Benjamin) is saved from drowning by mermaid Pam Poovery (Amber Nash). 20 years later she returns to seek him out and they fall in love. Before they can choose between life on dry land or a deep sea paradise the lovers are rudely interrupted by the intervention of scheming scientist Dr. Algernop Krieger (Lucky Yates).

Dr. Strange-love: U.S. Air Force General Jack Ripper (Sterling Hayden) goes completely mad, and sends his bomber wing to destroy the U.S.S.R. He suspects that the communists are conspiring to pollute the "precious bodily fluids" of the American people. Only one man can avert this tragedy: former Nazi genius Dr. Strange-love (Benedict Cumberbatch), who is now wheelchair bound and must embark on a trip to Tibet to become the sorcerer supreme and stop General Ripper.

Fast West and Furious: In this sequel to the 2015 movie Slow West ex-lawman Brian O'Conner (Paul Walker), Mia Torretto (Jordana Brewster) and her brother Dom (Vin Diesel) have traveled border to border to evade authorities. In 1800s Colorado they must do one final job before they can gain their freedom for good. Assembling an elite team of horse riders, including a bounty hunter (Michael Fassbender) they must escape from the sheriff (Dwayne Johnson) who wants them dead.

Timeline-wise, this last movie makes about as much sense as the rest of the Fast and Furious franchise. 

Influencia

Justo antes de su función en Saturday Night Live, Kanye West (rapero mediocre y auto-nominado ser humano más influyente de la historia) se enteró que habían cambiado el escenario que construyeron especialmente para su actuación.

Kanye no estaba feliz con esto y mientras estaba en su vestidor tuvo un pequeño episodio: 

"Are they f***ing crazy? Whoa by 50 percent Stanley Kubrick, Picasso, Apostle Paul, f***ing Picasso and Escobar. By 50 percent more influential than any other human being."

Que básicamente se traduce a algo como: 

"¿Están pinches locos? Whoa por 50 por ciento Stanley Kubrick, Picasso y el apóstol San Pablo, que el pinche Picaso y Escobar. Por 50 por ciento más influyente que cualquier otro ser humano"

Imma let you finish, but Kanye had one of the best meltdowns of ALL TIME

Fuera de lo entretenido que es escuchar a Kanye tener su episodio, lo que me llama la atención es la facilidad que tiene Kanye para medir porcentajes de influencia, y por lo tanto me gustaría continuar el experimento con algunos porcentajes más:

Pedro Picapiedra está muy enojado

Y también vale la pena analizar cómo la influencia de Kanye ha cambiado con respecto al tiempo: